Revitalizing Relationships: A Deep Dive into Masculinity and Power Dynamics with Author Elliott Katz

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Hey, hey, hey, Podcast Nation. It is your girl, Kandidly Kristin, and this is The Kandid Shop, your number one destination for Kandid conversations. If you're new here, welcome. Thanks for joining me. And if you're a regular listener, welcome back and thanks for your support. Today, I am sitting down for what I'm sure is going to be an amazing eye-opening author spotlight chat with the author of Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants, Timeless Wisdom on Being a Man, and How to Get Your Man to Wear the Pants so You Don't Have to, Mr. Elliott Katt. Welcome, welcome, welcome, Elliott, to the Kandid Shop.

ELLIOTT KATZ: Great to be here. Thank you for having me.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Welcome. Your book titles are just amazing. So I really am excited to discuss your books with you and the more broad topic of relationships, masculinity, and all that. So let's get to it. My first question to authors is always, always, always, what inspired you to write not one but two books on this subject? Was there like a particular event, an epiphany, a realization that prompted you to write these books and share your insights?

ELLIOTT KATZ: Well, obviously, like a lot of people, it's a result of my own learning, my own growth, my own experience that I felt that I should share with the world. So I was married for 10 years, then I got divorced. And like a lot of people at first, I blamed the other person. Then I came to the point of asking myself, what do I have to learn from all this? I don't want to go through this again. And you know, the only way you know, just sort of get out of a difficult situation or painful situation, emotionally painful, and say, what do I have to learn from this? I have to learn something from this. So that started with the first book, being the strong man, a woman wants timeless wisdom on being a man. I started looking, I started talking to other men, like we're, we're all confused about what a man should be these days. Cause we hear all these, we hear all these messages, you know, sensitive, you know, uh, develop your feminine side. There's all these things, you know, they really don't work. And that's, that's a tragedy. That's a tragedy because men think that what they're doing, what they should be doing, because they hear on the media everywhere, you know, be sensitive, you know, let her make all the decisions, don't be controlling. Well, of course, don't be controlling, but that doesn't mean that you're passive and just leaving every decision to your wife. So that's really like being the strong man a woman wants really tells men, you know, take responsibility for what's going on in your relationship. Don't just wait for your wife or girlfriend to tell you what to do, because she's going to be very frustrated with you. And the men can't. I can't understand why I'm being such a great guy. So that's what it's about. Take responsibility. Make decisions. Don't blame your wife when things go wrong. You're the man. Be a man.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Yeah, man. And that's a great segue into how does Elliott define, and I'm doing air quotes, a strong man. And how does your definition differ if it does, from the widely accepted one?

ELLIOTT KATZ: Well, my definition is really a manly man. One of the interesting things in my book is I talk, what does it mean to be manly? And how did I find out what it means to be manly? I looked it up in the dictionary and it's a very positive thing. It's the noble qualities of a man of mature character. So wow. I mean, it's not toxic, it's not abusive, it's not controlling. No, these are the positive traits that men have been taught for centuries, but in this generation, we didn't learn them. You know, one of the fascinating things, the word virtue, The original meaning of the word virtue is manly strength. So what is a strong man? A strong man is someone who can make a decision. If his wife asks him for input on a decision, he does not say, and I tell men so many times, I speak to singles groups, I say, don't ever say this. If a girlfriend or your wife asks you, you know, for your input on a situation, don't ever say, oh, whatever you want, you decide. Don't ever say that because she's going to see you as weak and useless. She's going to wonder like, you know, I've had women tell me that, you know, a man will always ask you, what should we do? What should we do? And like, and she feels that I always have to tell a man what to do. I feel like he's a child and I am his mother. And I don't want to be his mother. And I don't want to be intimate with a child and that men think, but I'm such a great guy. I'm not controlling. I'm letting her make all the decisions that way. If it's a bad decision, you can't blame me. So a man who's decisive, a man who takes charge of situations, who stands up for his girlfriend or wife in a challenging situation and doesn't leave it to her thinking, I'm being this non-controlling nice guy, I'll let her handle it. People don't realize, we've heard of all these ideas. I remember one woman said to me, I may be a boss at work, But when I'm with a man, I want to feel like a woman. I want him to take charge. I don't want to, I don't want to have to tell him what to do. It doesn't mean, you know, if you suggest something and she has a better idea, well, of course, if she has a better idea, do it. But if you're always just saying whatever you want, and especially some men, like if you ask, you know, you meet a woman, you ask her out on a date and she says, yes, what did you have in mind? Well, I don't know. What do you want to do?

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Oh, my God.

ELLIOTT KATZ: Don't ever say that, Elliott.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Elliott, I was in the dating scene until I met my my really great my guy when I was dating. One of my biggest, biggest piece was men didn't seem to know how to plan a date. It was OK, but what do you want to do? But I mean, we talked about things I like in our conversation leading up to the date. You couldn't like glean that. I like water books, horseback riding and figure something out. Like that used to be so breathtaking.

ELLIOTT KATZ: Kristin, you're exactly right. I mean, I tell men, you've met this woman, you kind of have an idea what she likes to do and you know what you like to do. Maybe come up with something that you think you would both enjoy doing and ask her out. And, you know, if you ask her to a movie and she's already seen it three times, well, maybe she has a suggestion, but don't ever come in. Don't come empty handed. Don't come empty-handed. I was once interviewed by the relationship columnist for the Wall Street Journal, and she's single, and she told me, if a man asks her out and he doesn't have a plan for the date, it's a big strike against him. Because, you know, she's looking at you as a potential partner. And if you can't even choose a place to go for a cup of coffee, she's going to wonder how are you going to handle the challenges of marriage and family life? You know, marriage and family life, there's many challenges. That's the nature of marriage. Don't think you have a bad marriage because you have challenges. That's what it's all about. You have children, you have this, you have a mortgage, you have all these things, you lose your job. You know, if you can't even choose a place for a cup of coffee, she's going to wonder how will you handle the challenges of marriage and family life. It's a big strike against them. And so, but you see the men have been told, don't be controlling, don't be toxic. Don't be any of those things. Absolutely. If you can't even come, come, you know, take the lead on choosing a place to go out on a date. It's a, it's a big, it was, it was a big no for me.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: That's exactly what I tell people.

ELLIOTT KATZ: You know, I was speaking at a singles event, and I said, now, women, how many men have said that to you? They asked you out, and then when you said, what do you have in mind? And they said, I don't know, what do you want to do? Like, really, most of them put up their hand. It was so funny. I was like, men, do you see? Don't ever do this.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: It is sad. It really is. The mixing, what men hear that we want versus what we really want is just polar opposites.

ELLIOTT KATZ: That's exactly the point of that first book. Because if you look on the reviews on Amazon, so many men say, if I had known this while I was married, I probably wouldn't be divorced. I've had lots of men say that. I've had men say, and women have said, if my husband had known this, our marriage of 35 years would not have disintegrated. And the sad thing is, you know, The men think they're being good guys. They're good people. They want to be good people. They want to be good husbands and fathers. And they really think they're doing the right thing. And they just like, I'm supposed to do this. I even met with a psychologist once who was doing a custody and access assessment for a friend of mine. I was one of his witnesses. And he says he does marriage counseling. And he tells men, just do whatever your wife tells you. I said, well, you got to be joking. you don't really believe that anyway, but you know, these psychologists, anyway, whatever, not these, this one in particular, he, um, he had the wrong ideas, but I just want to get back to the second book, how to get your man to wear the pants. So you don't have to. So a lot of the response I got from women were, you see, I wrote how to bring the strong man a woman wants for men, but women read it. And they say to me, How do I get my man to take charge? How do I get him to start wearing the pants? So I said, well, these are good questions. So I put together the second book and it's strategies like, you know, like, like, okay, so let's say, you know, you call your husband at work and you say, well, I'm cooking supper. What would you like chicken or fish? And he says, why is she calling me? I'm so busy. You're a great cook. Whatever you want, you decide. So just say to him, so these are some responses, say, say to him, what I want is to know what you want. And when you make decisions, it makes me feel you care. And I really want to know what you want. So make, I tell men, make the decision. It's easy. If it doesn't matter to you, make the decision. And you know, I've had lots of men, I tell them, you know, Cause men will say, why is she asking me all these questions? These are such simple decisions and they really don't matter to me. And I believe them. So I say, well, then it's easy. If it really doesn't matter to you, then choose one, make a decision because that's what she wants. And they do it. And the women will say to them, when you do that, it makes me feel safe and protected. It is so much like men don't realize this. I mean, these are guys I'm coaching in their fifties and they haven't got a clue because you know, that, that idea of like doing things to make a woman feel safe and protected. Well, that's old fashioned. Today's woman is strong and independent. And I say, yes, she's strong and independent in the outside world. But when she's with a man, she wants to feel safe and protected and that he will stand up for her. He will stand up, you know, in a challenging situation and not leave it to her. You know, this is, all those ideas that you thought were old fashioned, you know, human nature hasn't changed. That's really one of the things I try to get across. Just take all, I went out with this woman a few years ago. She said to me, you're a good dater, what are you doing? And I thought she's making fun of me. So I said to her, are you making fun of me? And she said, no, you date well, what are you doing? It was like I had cast a spell on her. So I said, I'll tell you what I do. I took all the new ideas about dating that don't work, pushed them out of my head, and went back to the old fashioned ways. You notice, whenever I ask you out, I'm a man with a plan. I have something to suggest. And if you have a better idea, we can do that. But I never come and say, I don't know, what do you want to do?

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Right. So listen, fluid gender roles, right, are like the hot topic. Right. So how, do you respond to some critics who might argue that your approach reinforces traditional, and I'm air quoting, gender norms in terms of the man wearing the pants, you know what I mean? Have you gotten any pushback with that?

ELLIOTT KATZ: Well, yes, like the idea, I used the title, wear the pants, how to get your man to wear the pants. I thought it'd be a little bit provocative, you know, get attention.

ELLIOTT KATZ: It's really about taking charge and taking responsibility. It's really about take responsibility for what's going on in your home. Don't just leave, you know, too many men. And I, you know, I know them, they work hard and they, they want to be good husbands and fathers. They work hard to bring in the money and they come home and they just think, okay, just tell me what you want me to do. I'll do it. And a lot of men, and they think I'm being good husband and father. I tell them what you're really being is a mother's helper. You're not being a husband and father because you have to know what's going on. You see problems. Don't leave solving all these problems to your wife. That's, that's the thing. Like, you know, you can leave some, but you see a problem, step forward and try to solve it. You know, you know, if you want your wife's input, but don't say, what should I do? Say, I did some research. I think this could solve the problem. What do you think? You get her input, but don't, I mean, so many guys think I come home, I, I do the laundry. I wash the dishes. I give the kids baths. I put them to bed. I'm going nonstop. And why is she saying I'm not doing enough? And I tell them what she's really saying is you're not taking responsibility for figuring out what needs to be done. You're leaving to her to solve all the problems. And, and, and then she'll tell you what to do. She feels, you know, there was a study a few years ago that said a high number of women, I don't remember the number, They feel like married single mothers, like they're married, but they have to make all the decisions and run everything. And they don't want that. They want a man who's a man in the house, who's a husband and father, not just a mother's helper.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Yes, I agree. So how can we women more effectively and respectively Respectfully encourage our guys to be more of a leader in the relationship or marriage or whatever partnership.

ELLIOTT KATZ: Well, I think it's just important like to encourage him. So like what I said before, when we asked for his input on a decision and he says, whatever you want, you decide to say, no, I want to know what you want. You know, other situations, you know, one situation is that I've had to deal with this. Let's say a man is divorced. He has, um, children from his first marriage, and he has a girlfriend, and these children are determined to push that new girlfriend out of the picture, right? I'm sure you've seen that before. And the man, he thinks, well, this isn't right, but I'm afraid to discipline them because maybe they won't want to come see me. So, you know, the woman has to tell him, listen, You're the man here, you're the father, you have a responsibility to me and to your children to teach them to be respectful. If you don't teach them to be respectful, not just to me, but to everyone, you're failing as a parent. So you have to do it. I mean, these are things to tell him he's got to do it. And then, you know, or else since there's no future for us, because I'm not going to put up with this, things like that. Another situation, let's say, a common situation, like a fellow, you have a husband and like you, you know, there's conflict between a man's wife and his mother. You know, you ever heard of that?

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Yes. Yes.

ELLIOTT KATZ: So very often, like, the man will think, oh, you know, maybe we just like, wait, hope it will go away by itself, you know, and because he just doesn't want to get involved because, you know, he cares about his wife, cares about his mother. So I tell him, you know, the woman has to say to him, you know, you have to be the man and you're in the middle and it's your responsibility to make things work between, you know, between me and and your mother. If it's too often, it's like, oh, they'll get along. Just give them time. They'll get along at some point. Maybe, but probably not.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: You know, you're the one person in common, so you can go a long way to facilitate that.

ELLIOTT KATZ: You're the man in the middle and you've got to do something about it. And absolutely. So those are some examples.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Go ahead. I like that. No, no, no. I because. I'm not a man, but if I'm a guy and I'm hearing all of the the social chatter, the media chatter that this is what you need to do and this is what women want and. How do men strike a balance between being a strong man and a leader in the home or relationship and not leaning over into the toxic masculinity, the dictator kind of, it's my way or the highway kind of, like, how do they find that balance?

ELLIOTT KATZ: Well, you know, it's a good question, but what I've seen, the men are so far to the passive non-controlling. I mean, controlling is not a positive thing, but they're so afraid of being accused of being controlling. They really don't make any decisions. So it's really, you know, any progress towards the middle, which is really, we're saying it's a balance, right? You know, any progress towards that middle point would be helpful. And so many men are so far away from that controlling, toxic, abusive person, then really any progress they make would be helpful. I mean, and the person who's toxic and abusive and controlling, like he's got a lot to learn, right? He's gotta realize his wife's not gonna put up with it, but that's really- Yeah, that's a whole different, and that's not what being a strong man is. No, of course not. You know, someone controlling is really weak, you know, someone who wants to dominate and it's just, they're insecure. A strong man, you know, is confident and he makes a decision. He does what's best for himself. I mean, sorry, best for his family. A controlling person is doing what's best for themselves. That's two different things.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: I got a question for you. Do these principles apply to same-sex relationships? I mean, are the lessons universal, no matter the type of partnership?

ELLIOTT KATZ: I really don't know.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Fair enough. Fair enough. That's fair enough. These are specifically written for hetero relationships. Right, right. I mean, it might be interesting to explore it in other contexts. I'd be interested to see what that would look like. Maybe not with the same titles, but you know what I mean? But just like the lessons of communication and taking responsibility.

ELLIOTT KATZ: No, you're right. It would be interesting. But, you know, it's also interesting. And so, you know, when I wrote this book, the first one, Being the Strong Man and Woman Once, I kind of wrote, initially, you know, when I was writing, it was sort of for myself, like, you know, I was writing it down so I could learn it for myself. And then, you know, I published it and, you know, I sort of thought, well, okay, this is like North American kind of phenomena. But then the book's been translated into 25 languages around the world. And it made me realize that this is human nature. These ideas don't come naturally to a lot of men. And they really need to learn them. I mean, the book's been published in places like Brazil. the whole image of machismo originated, right? That it's all published in Japan where you think every man has a geisha. And actually I just got this this week, it was just published in Saudi Arabia in Arabic. Just this week I got the author's copies and like, it's all in Arabic. So I mean, I think the thing is to realize that it's human nature. Traditionally, maybe, you know, a son would learn this from his father, from watching his father, if his father's a good role model of a strong male. But a lot of men haven't, and then they think, you know, they think they're doing the right thing, it's not working, so they're looking for answers. And it's amazing, all over the world, in Asia, and Africa, and Europe, and South America. Wow, it's just like, wow, here I thought it's just me.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: No. Men and women are men and women, and I think we've been forever looking for a way to connect in a way that's healthy and everybody is getting their needs met and women, you know, the pendulum swung to this independent woman model where, you know, we we do everything because the guys aren't doing it and we really wanted to swing back to where you know you guys still show up with a plan for a date minimum right right right exactly exactly yeah so do you have any um surprising stories, testimonials that were particularly impactful for you that was shared with you because someone read your book from either sex.

ELLIOTT KATZ: Yeah, there've been a few, you know, one woman wrote to me how she read the book and she said, this is exactly what we needed in our marriage. And she gave it to her husband. And he says, she said, he's going to work on, you know, developing these, these qualities that I write about in the book. And this was on Amazon. You can see it on Amazon. And she wrote.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Yeah, I did.

ELLIOTT KATZ: Thank you, Elliott Katz. How did you put it? Because of your book, I have hope for us as a couple again. Very, very beautiful. And another fellow, he wrote those from a woman. Another fellow, he wrote. When I read this book, I thought Elliott Katz must be hiding in our attic because this is exactly the situation in our home. And, um, you know, that. I'm a nice guy. My wife's fed up with, Oh, my wife has keeps telling me I should be a man. And I don't know what she means. That's what you're. I don't know what she means. And, uh, but now that I read this book twice, I understand what she means. And I'm, I'm moving that way. And then other people have written how the book has saved their marriage. It's very rewarding. I mean, it's, you know, to me, one of the greatest things you could do in the world is to make peace between people, including between a husband and wife. You know, you do that and they don't get divorced, their kids don't end up being from a broken home. That's very rewarding to hear. It makes me feel, you know, I'm glad to hear that what I've shared with them is helpful to them.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Yeah, that was that I know, originally, you said when you started writing a book, it was kind of for you.

ELLIOTT KATZ: But right, right.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: But is there like a message that you want people to get from both of these books, the first one for men, the second one for women? Like, there's something you want them to take from them?

ELLIOTT KATZ: The message is for men, what you've heard all these years, if it's not working, just forget about it. And really explore, you know, this is like the ideas that your father should have taught you. And obviously he didn't. And just do it, try it, just see the difference it makes. It's really, you know, really a woman really wants a man who's strong, who takes charge, who takes responsibility. It makes her feel safe and protected. She really wants that. Even though you've heard all these things, she really wants that and work on it. And you know, if you could read the book and apply it and you see the difference it makes, you know, like where women will say, I don't know what you're doing, but keep doing it.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: But I like it, I like it a lot.

ELLIOTT KATZ: Really, it's like I told that woman on the date, like she says to me, you're a good dater. it really that's that's to me was amazing thing like when she said that to me it's like wow it really makes a difference you know if you are taking the lead and making decisions it really makes a difference and you'll see it really does it really does and i think i don't know how you feel about the impact of this digital age social media and all the messaging that comes through there i saw a post

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: on Facebook not that long ago. And it was a list of all places women don't want to go on a first date. And there were some places that was like, go there? I mean, what the hell? Like, I'm such, you know, you could take me to a bookstore for coffee and conversation and I'm happy. I love books. And I'm wondering how much of that is challenging and puts obstacles in men's way when they're trying to embrace the strong man, the true strong man definition and being that guy.

ELLIOTT KATZ: So let's say don't take her to a bookstore for coffee, right?

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: No, no, no. That wasn't on there. I think there were like restaurants, Cheesecake Factory, Red Lobster And it was like, how ridiculous is this? I don't know if it was a joke, but I thought if this is the messaging that guys are getting, you know, and they're thinking about taking a girl on a date and they're looking at, you know, let's be real, their budget and what they can and can't do. Everybody can't go to Ruth Chris on a first date like three times a week. And they're seeing, oh, women don't want to go here. That would be challenging for me as a guy. Like, well, gosh, what can I do?

ELLIOTT KATZ: Right. Right. No, that sounds, you know what I tell guys, like, think about, like I said, think about what you know about this woman so far. Think about, you know, what things you like to do, like think about something you would both enjoy. Cause part of it is, you know, it's not just doing what she wants. It's part of it is like, you know, showing her part of yourself. Like this is the kind of thing I like to do. Would you like to go here? to this blues club and listen to blues music because I like I like to do that.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Right.

ELLIOTT KATZ: So now you're learning something about me. And if she says, well, I like that kind of music, too, let's go.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Well, look at that.

ELLIOTT KATZ: Yeah. I mean, it's a way to say this is this is the kind of thing I like to do. You know, you know, you should learn about me. I want to learn about you. So really all these lists. I mean, you're really just telling the person. About yourself, that's that's really You know, it's, it's, you know, I guess all these lists, I mean, I just, just take another thing. I tell, I tell men pay for the first date, at least for the first date, pay, you should pay for every date. Most of them, I say pay for the date. And because I say, she may offer to pay. or she may offer to split the bill. I said, just insist on paying because what she's doing is she's testing you to see if you will insist on paying.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Just pay for it.

ELLIOTT KATZ: Just pay for it. When I was interviewed by the Relationship College of the Wall Street Journal, I told her this story, which she published, but I took this woman out, went to a movie. We got to the box office. She took out her wallet. I took out mine and bought two tickets. And then she's like, she wants to give me money. I said, no, it's okay. And then she kept trying. And then finally she went back to the ticket seller and got exact change. And she forced me to take it. So I was like, okay, so insistent. So we went out a few more times. Then she says to me, you never pay for me. I said, you were so insistent. She says, well, you could have tried again.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Oh my goodness. That's just too much.

ELLIOTT KATZ: That is too much. But I tell them, just pay for it. Because you know what? You want to make her feel special. It's not about how much money you spend. Take her someplace you can afford. Because if you're not rich, don't take her to a rich place. Just take her to a place you'd like to go, that you can afford to go. Because this is, I'm telling you about me. This is not my lifestyle. So yeah.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: I agree. I agree with that. That's excellent advice. Like know your budget, pick something that she's going to enjoy that you won't, it won't break the bank to pay because you should pay.

ELLIOTT KATZ: Yeah. It makes a woman feel special. That's the whole point. You know, I tell men actually, the interesting thing is I tell men we need to pick up a woman for a date, open the car door for her.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Oh my God.

ELLIOTT KATZ: And that is like one of the, one of the things I've written that actually got a response from people, from men saying, oh yeah, oh no, today's woman doesn't want that. And I got that a few times. That's the one point like people really react to. I said, you know, I've taken women out. I opened the car door for them. They've never said, you think I can't open the car door myself? I think they appreciate it. You're getting in their car. Open the door for her.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Absolutely. Absolutely. Listen, I stand by the door like, and they're looking at me like, what are you doing waiting for you to open the door?

ELLIOTT KATZ: Oh, good for you. Good for you.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Oh, my goodness. So, Elliott, do you have any upcoming projects, new books on the horizon? What's in the pipeline for Elliott Katz?

ELLIOTT KATZ: I've just been going around, you know, talking about these two books. I don't have any new books on the horizon. I'm just trying to educate people because, you know, there's so many, you know, so many couples breaking up. You know, the women are fed up with their men because they're so passive and they're really not acting like men. I was just coaching a fellow today. I mean, it's a very sad story. You know, I have a four year old son. So if I can make a difference and, and helping men change and become the kind of man that a woman really wants and admires and respects and looks up to, well, that's great. You know, that's great. You can prevent children from being from a broken home and all the craziness of a divorce. Yeah. That, that, that to me is very rewarding. And that, that's why I wrote this book and, If it can make a difference, it's very rewarding for me.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Well, from the testimonials on Amazon, it seems that you have. I, for one, was super excited to see your book. Is it on audio or audible now?

ELLIOTT KATZ: Yeah, it is.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: That's my favorite way to listen to books when I'm doing other stuff. And I would love for relationships to get back to that. And I think people get so caught up in terms and words that they think that is trying to be said is not what's really trying to be said. Like nobody is looking for barefoot and pregnant like that or toxic controlling behavior. But women, and this is really general, I can't speak for all women, but like I said, I for one, I'm really impressed when someone not only asks me for a date, but they call in enough time for me to get back to them with, if I'm available, don't call me last minute. and they have a plan for the date. Even if it's a loose plan, like they say, oh, I love jazz. Would you like to go to a jazz club? I'm not really a huge jazz fan, but we can maybe go somewhere else, you know, and listen to some R&B or something. But at least they had a plan, not a, well, you just tell me where you want to go. Well, no, then I'm planning my own date. I'm not doing that.

ELLIOTT KATZ: Exactly. I was coaching one woman who went into this program, like how to find a husband, and they said to her, you know, if a man asks you out and he doesn't have a plan for the date, don't go out with him. I think that's kind of strong, extreme. Yeah. So I'd say my book, the one about how to get a man to wear the pants is I just say, if he doesn't find, just say, I don't have any ideas. Could you? I bet you could come up with a good plan and we both enjoy. So could you do some research? Because really, what do you have to just look up on the Internet, the entertainment listings? That's pretty easy. And, uh, but you see, but the thing is, you see the man thinks, well, I'll let her decide that way. If it turns out badly, then she can't blame me. You know, but you're laughing, but really I can tell you that's how men think. So I'll let her decide that way. You know, she can't blame me if it's, if the food is lousy. I mean,

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Right.

ELLIOTT KATZ: Well, I would just say, you know what, I just tell them, ask her out if the food is lousy, just say, oh, no, next time we'll go to a better place. And she complains too much. Well, maybe she's a complainer.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Right. And maybe you don't want to take her out on a second date. You know, I think part of the problem, Ellie, I honestly do, is that people don't have substantive conversations pre-date. So they don't Like, anytime I'm talking to somebody before I even agree to a date, I'm telling you about myself, like my favorite foods, the things I like to do. So there's no way, in God's greener, you couldn't figure out a date from the information that you had if you were listening.

ELLIOTT KATZ: Right, right. Well, I mean, they're listening, but the thing is, they think they're playing it safe. That's the thing. See, like a man or woman might get turned off and the man can't understand why, because he thinks, oh, I'm showing I believe in equality, I'm not controlling. See, they really think they're doing the right thing. So I met this woman, she told me she went out on a date, she met this fellow and they went out for dinner. And this is the first date and, you know, And then the bill came and she offered to put her credit card on it and he accepted. And she says, well, now we can't understand why I won't go out with him again. So, so I said, I said, well, you see, he really thinks he was showing he believes in gender equality. Oh, you want to pay the bill? Okay. I believe in equality. It's, it's, it's, uh, so, you know, if I would have known, I would have said, just pay the bill and just pay it.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: That's when they bring that little folder, slide it on over to you. That's it. I'm not even reaching for it, okay? I'm not even reaching for it.

ELLIOTT KATZ: Absolutely. You're showing her that you want her to feel special. That's what it's about. It's not about who makes more money or should we split the bill. I've actually heard guys say, well, if she makes more money than me, she should pay. I said, what are you going to ask her to bring her paste off?

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Right. You know, splitting the bill comes later, way later. Oh, well, thank you, Ellie. I appreciate this conversation. Just the general topic is of interest to me because I'm a human, I'm a woman. I'm not dating anymore. But when I wish that I had known about this book back then, because I'd have given it out wholesale here. But, um, we're not done. That is just the end of the formal part of the conversation. Now we get to the fun stuff. We get to play 10 Kandid questions, 10 Kandid questions, just 10 random questions. I pulled off of this huge list I found on the internet. And, um, the only role is you have to answer them Kandidly. So are you ready?

ELLIOTT KATZ: Okay. I'm ready as I'll ever be.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Question number one, what is your biggest pet peeve?

ELLIOTT KATZ: Oh, biggest pet peeve. Well, I don't know if you call it a peeve, but the biggest thing that bothers me is dishonesty. If somebody tells me something that's not true, I feel they misled me. It makes it hard for me to continue to have a relationship with them in any kind of relationship, whatever they are.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Agree, it's one of mine too. Question number two, introvert or extrovert?

ELLIOTT KATZ: Well, it's an interesting question. I think, you know, when I was younger, I was very shy. And then I realized that, well, being shy isn't going to get you anywhere. So I kind of forced myself to you know, you know, force myself to not to be shy. I mean, like in anything in life, you watch people who are outgoing and you see how they start conversations with people and, and you just sort of learn and you sort of learn from them and you apply, you keep doing it and it becomes part of you. So I, I, maybe I'm an extrovert now. I'm not as shy as I used to be. I definitely, I, you know, I speak in front of groups of people. I've spoken in front of like a group up to like 2000 people. And I stood there, I said, wow, I must be good at this. Cause I don't feel nervous. But I mean, you really, you know, it's not just that it's also speaking up for yourself. I think that something that I've learned, like, you know, I didn't in the past, I didn't speak up for myself. I didn't stand up for myself. So, Maybe I was too introverted, too shy, but definitely now I speak up and say what I think. As I tell people, one of the interesting things that happened to me in that experience was I've been in situations where I said, I'm gonna say what I think. So I say what I think, then other people will say, well, I'm glad someone finally said it. It's like, oh, you mean I was the only one who wasn't shy or introverted to say what I thought? Okay, well, that to me was sort of a pat on the back, like I've made progress.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Yes, indeed. All right, question number three, what is the one thing that the world is lacking in your opinion?

ELLIOTT KATZ: Oh, you know, you know, I guess, you know, I think the world is lacking. It's sort of like we were talking about now sort of some foundation of values. Like you see so many things like these ideas that come out. I said, well, you know, maybe I'm too old, but I sort of see a lot of the ideas that are coming out these days, like, well, how do you believe this? I think that's what really, like some really solid values of what's right and what's wrong. I think too much today is like, well, I think this, I feel this, like, well, then it must be right.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Well, maybe not. Maybe not. Yeah, I agree. Question number four, cats or dogs?

ELLIOTT KATZ: Cats or dogs? Is that what you said? Well, that's a great question because, you know, when I was younger, I had a lot of pets, a lot. And my poor parents, I, you know, I had really so many animals, but now I, you know, it's interesting. I have no desire to have any pets at all. I have a daughter who has a cat and a dog and she always asked if I could take care of them. I said, well, I don't mind coming over and feeding them if you go away, but I kind of don't want to, the responsibility. Although one thing I've noticed, I don't know where you live, but here where I live, it's like a lot of people have dogs. It's almost like, it's like it's mandatory. So many people have dogs. And cats too, I guess at home, but I don't walk the cats, but no, I'm kind of neither. Okay.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Now that, sir is the first time anyone has ever answered that response so you are the first one all right question number five if you had the world's undivided attention the whole world for five minutes what would you say well what would i say well in addition to talking about my books i would just say um you know the whole world is

ELLIOTT KATZ: You know, I'll tell you, I mean, when I was growing up, the world was relatively peaceful. I mean, I thought after the horrors of the Second World War and growing up in those years, you know, I thought, well, the world had learned its lesson. And I thought that, you know, we wouldn't see bombing of European cities. We wouldn't see so many really you know so much war and conflict but you know I thought it's a hey you know look back learn from the past you know that's that's what I would say learn learn from history look look what happened in the past we don't need to repeat it and we shouldn't be and we are that's the sad thing yeah I agree well said sir all right question number six night owl or morning person well that's an interesting question um I said, well, I think I used to be a night owl, but now I get up very early in the morning. So I get up too early. So I wish I could stay up later, but then, yeah, I used to, I used to do a lot of writing late at night. And now I just, I, now I actually, it's interesting. I never thought of it. And then now I don't know what sort of change things but now I get up very early and I find you know my mind is sharpest like very early in the morning like five or six or seven in the morning and I can do my best work at that hour.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Yep yep yep it's funny as I'm 56 so in my 20s and 30s I was a night owl, solid night owl. Wouldn't be getting seeing me up before like 10 on a weekend but now The older I've gotten, the more I relish the morning and the quiet and the peace of it. Just I love it. So things sometimes change with age, I guess.

ELLIOTT KATZ: Yeah, I know. I know that. Yeah.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Yeah. So question number seven, if you could be remembered for just one thing, what would that thing be?

ELLIOTT KATZ: Well, I guess, you know, I have two daughters and I really kind of see them as my legacy. That's what I tell them. And, and, you know, I, it's sort of, I feel like they're my contribution to the world. In addition to the books, I feel as a contribution to the world, but also I think having children, like they're your legacy and they're your contribution to the world.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Yep. Question eight, what's your favorite food?

ELLIOTT KATZ: Oh, my favorite food. That's an interesting question. Well, I like to eat fish, actually. I like salmon. I like to eat fish, yeah.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: OK. All right, question number nine. What's one question you wished I'd asked you during our chat, and how would you have answered?

ELLIOTT KATZ: That's an interesting question. Well, you asked me a lot of good questions. Go ahead, sorry.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: No, go ahead.

ELLIOTT KATZ: Go ahead. What question you asked me? Like, I can't think of one.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Honestly, that question is a trick question, and it's designed to help me be a better interviewer. Because if I get somebody that says, huh, no, I think you asked me all the right questions. And I'm like, cool. You know, And just as often as they say that, somebody will say, oh, I wish you had asked me this, or we'd talk more about that. And that helps me to be a better interviewer.

ELLIOTT KATZ: You asked me a lot of good questions and I felt I conveyed a lot of the insights in the book. I mean, there are more, but, you know, I, cause I really feel like I'm doing this really to help bring peace between husbands and wives. I, you know, when, when, you know, marriage ends in divorce, it's a real tragedy. especially, you know, like I was saying, especially when they're both good people that just, you know, when a man doesn't understand what he's not doing and he thinks he's doing the right thing, it's very hard. So I think we covered a lot of that. I really feel we, you know, communicated that to your audience. And so I feel good about that.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Awesome. Thank you. And the last question, which is the same for everyone. How can my listeners connect with you and get those books?

ELLIOTT KATZ: Okay. Well, you can get them on Amazon. That's probably the best place to get them. They're available in a paperback, in a ebook, and as an audio book. And you can communicate with me. Well, my website is www.Elliottcatz.com. E-L-L-I-O-T-T, two T's, K-A-T-Z.com. or you can email me at Elliott R. Katz, E-L-L-I-O-T-T-R-K-A-T-Z at AOL.com. And if you want to get sample chapters of the book, contact me either through my website or email. And I'd be happy to send the sample chapters to you because like I said, my goal is to change the men of the world so that there's less divorce. So if you have questions, I'd be happy to, you know, talk to them. Really, I do coaching too. My goal is really to help bring peace in marriages.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Here's a fun fact. You spell your name, Elliott, the exact same way I spelled my son's name with two L's and two T's. Everybody's like, why two L's and two T's? I don't know. It just looks better. Looks right to me.

ELLIOTT KATZ: Yeah, it looks like there's balance, right?

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Yes. There's two L's and two T's. Two L's and two T's. So Elliott, thank you so, so much for your time, for these two books. I think that they are going to be relationship changers, at least I hope so. And all of your contact info, clickable links to your website, to your books are going to be in the show notes. So guys, if you didn't catch it when he was saying it, it will be in the show notes and you can reach out to him, get his books, maybe get some coaching and let's heal our relationships. And I strongly encourage all of you. If you're in a relationship, marriage, want to be in one, male or female, you need to get these books. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. You're so welcome. Oh, thank you. It was my pleasure. And Guys, don't forget to visit my website at www.theKandidshop.com. That's Kandid with a K. Listen to an episode or five, drop me a review, subscribe, share the show with your friends. And until the next time we meet, I want everyone out there to keep it safe, keep it healthy, and keep it Kandid.