Lynn Forney Speaks: The Power of Creativity in Survival

Kandidly Kristin: 0:32

Hey, hey, hey. Podcast nation. It is your girl, Kandidly Kristin, and this is the Kandid Shop, your number-one destination for Kandid conversations. Today I am delighted to be having a very special author spotlight chat with actor, dancer, filmmaker and author of Choosing Survival: How I Endured a brutal attack and a Lifetime of trauma through the power of Action, choice and Self-expression." Lynn Fournay Welcome, welcome, welcome, lynn, to the Kandid Shop.

Lynn Forney: 1:29

Thank you so much for having me.

Kandidly Kristin: 1:31

It is my absolute pleasure to have you here today and be chatting with you, so I guess I have to start by going back and if you could just share a little bit of your backstory with me and my listeners.

Lynn Forney: 1:44

Sure, I was born in Atlanta and I moved to South Florida in 1996. I was a cheerleader when I was three, I was eight, I was a perfectionist, you know, and I loved dance so much. It became such a huge part of my life that I changed my major to dance when I went to University of Florida, and I did that in the spring semester of 98. And then I went home to visit my mother in between the spring and summer semesters and that's when I was attacked and stabbed multiple times

Kandidly Kristin: 2:25

Did you know your attacker? 

Lynn Forney: 2:34

No, I didnt know him

Kandidly Kristin:

I want to ask you what kind of dance you do like jazz, contemporary, a little bit of everything.

Lynn Forney:

Mostly modern is kind of where I, you know, I did a lot of ballet growing up tab jazz the whole nine yards, and then when I was in college I got to do some different like African dance and some Indian dance, you know. So I got to be more, you know, more exposed to different things. But I think modern slash contemporary is kind of and was a lot of a jazz influence, I would say, is where I sort of settled my style.

Kandidly Kristin: 2:54

Okay, okay, so talk to me about the why of your book and why you chose to write it when you did.

Lynn Forney: 3:05

Yeah, it's interesting. When this first happened to me, I would kind of start getting into, like all the details of the story and I would just say like, oh, I should just write a book, right. So crazy, I should just write a book, right. And my fifth anniversary happens to be on May 9th, so it is coming up and it's always been in the back of my mind to write this book. It just, you know, the timing didn't feel right or I was just too busy with other things and, I'll be honest, with lockdown I found myself with a lot more time because, you know, my thing was performing arts and being around people all the time and, oddly enough and this is a weird story but I started vocal lessons virtually and she happened to also be a coach and I kind of joined one of her like small group programs and she used this Voxer app which we had to, you know, talk into, and she knew that I was had thought about this book and I was sort of starting to kind of think about maybe now, maybe I could think about writing it, and she, you know, kind of gently and sometimes not so gently encourage me to it. So I first wrote a poem that is in the book called my Mistress, and I read it to the group and got a really beautiful response. And so then I was like, well, maybe I'll try this first chapter and see how that goes. And then it just kind of slowly progressed from there and the why I even talk about pretty candidly pun intended In the book of the why it's like why, why am I writing this, why am I doing this, why am I putting myself out there this way? But I just realized that so many people walk around with so much shame and we all have a story right, we all have a story to tell, and I think so many of us don't share it for fear of other people's reactions, what they're going to think of us, and it really does so much damage to us as people in our psyche, and so it's just, you know, and I think encouragement from others, like storytelling, is really powerful, and this is how we feel, and so that's ultimately why I wrote it.

Kandidly Kristin: 5:00

Okay. So when you wrote it, what, if anything, did you hope the book would achieve, and who was your target audience If you had a specific one?

Lynn Forney: 5:11

I know I think I'm still trying to figure that out but I, anyone that's been through you know obviously any sort of victimization where they've you know they've been attacked or you know I don't want to give specifics, but anyone who feels like they've been silenced in some way or they feel like they can't come forward or they feel very alone and they don't quite know what the next steps are or how to heal, and so I just wanted to kind of go through all of the different things that I've tried and really press upon the fact that I made this conscious decision, like it has to be a decision that you make, a choice that you make to heal to. You know, if this doctor doesn't listen to, you find the next one. You know it's kind of like it's so important to advocate for ourselves and I know that can get tiresome, but I think anyone that just needed to hear someone else's voice to kind of give them a little push to heal as well, and that's yeah. And then I did have that. I do still have this kind of maybe naive thought that someone else who was attacked by this particular man would read it somehow and I could connect with them, cause I've never met any of us other. I had to use word victim. But yeah, I just I've never met any of them and I just I did have this naive thought of like maybe you know, this will help me connect with someone else that he's that he attacked in the past.

Kandidly Kristin: 6:27

Gotcha, so was he caught. Do any time Okay.

Lynn Forney: 6:32

Yeah, yeah, so he was never convicted for my case, so I will, you know, say that, but he did get caught. Two years after my attack. He killed a woman and, yeah, and he also attempted to rape, like a 16 year old girl in her apartment complex and broker jaw, and then he attacked another one. Yeah, it's many, many, many women, and those are the three that I think he was able to get convicted on. Okay.

Kandidly Kristin: 6:57

All right. So let's talk a little bit about victim shaming and I hate to word victim too, but the shaming, blaming, that happens to people who have been brutalized in any way. Let's chat a little bit about that. And was that in any way part of your healing process? Like to move from victim shaming, blaming, and did any of the go on for you in your case?

Lynn Forney: 7:27

Yes, yeah, quite a lot actually. And I think I was. You know, I was so young when I was 21. I think I was just kind of shocked at things people would say to me. I will say, the one that was the most shocking was this older gentleman. I don't even know, I don't think I even knew. You know, it's like you talk to people and I don't even remember how I met him or how I knew him, but he looked at me as like well, what did you do to piss him off? And I was like what? You know and I was just, I just was stunned, and I think a lot of people wanted to blame me in the sense that, oh, you must have known him, or your mom must have known him, or you know I did something to bring this upon myself and I somehow I don't think I realized how. I don't wanna, I was so profound, but I came to this realization at a young age that I don't think people can handle this kind of story, because if it truly is random, it could happen to them just as easily, and I think that is so. A lot of the victim shaming just comes from this fear-based response Well, you must have caused it, because if you didn't, then this could happen to me and I can't handle that.

Kandidly Kristin: 8:32

Right and they have to make it make sense in their head, like it's just, people aren't just out there going iny-meenie, mindy-mo, right, right, and a lot of these kinds of people that's. They see somebody and for whatever reason, it's you today, you know Right, right. So how did you push through all of the, I'm sure, fear, anxiety, maybe paranoia, after this happened to you and start to really live again?

Lynn Forney: 9:06

I think I just had this constant attitude that I was not gonna let this man take my life away from me. I, you know, I didn't, I didn't think like I was in the hospital for almost three weeks and when I got home I just I don't think I realized quite how scary that would feel. Um, you know, I slept in like the bed with my mom and we actually had this like alarm system donated to us. It was really, which is really lovely. But then this attacker guy ended up calling me on the phone. Yeah, and that was another reason why people oh, we'll see, you must have known him. I'm like there's literally so mine, I will say like my name, my full name, my address where I went to school, like everything was printed in every South Florida paper. There are two forneys in the phone book. You know he obviously knew my address because he followed me home. You know, I'm like this isn't that hard. The phone book was very. I know younger people may not know what a phone book is but it's very easy to find people back then. And that kind of did it for me. I need. I'm like I have to go, like I can't be in this house anymore and I still feel kind of guilty about leaving my mom there by herself. But I went and lived with my dad and it's. I think it was just this constant. I want to get back to my life. Like I went back to school that fall, which now I think about that. Like my God, like this happened to me in May and then in August, like mid August, I'm like going back to college, right.

Kandidly Kristin: 10:24

I got to get back to normal.

Lynn Forney: 10:25

Yeah, and it was hard. I mean I'm not going to lie Like there were many tears shed, but I also just I'm lucky that my professors were really supportive. I had some great friends at the time who I you know I don't think they knew always how to help me, but the fact that they were there was wonderful and and I think I also was just determined to heal I don't know like heal myself, like I went to trauma therapy in my earlier thirties, you know, and I did this really intense therapy called EMDR and I just I remember telling the therapist I don't want to be 85 with the same issues. Like you know, like, can you please help me? And I think it affected me more than I even realized. Like I'm very, I'm still kind of a little bit jumpy. If my husband came home, like I knew it would be him, but if he turned the corner I would jump, like literally my feet would leave the floor, and then I was like I don't think this is normal. You know, I don't think it's quite. Maybe you know so I it just throughout the all the years, I just, I don't know, I just had this, I don't know, I just dealt with it and move forward and kind of pushed on and found help when I needed it.

Kandidly Kristin: 11:25

Okay, so you mentioned EMDR eye movement desensitization and reprocess and I know I didn't say that right. But, that's, yeah, that's it. Tell me, talk to me about that.

Lynn Forney: 11:40

Yeah, it's really. It's almost difficult to explain, and I'm just do it in like layman's terms, because essentially what, like how my therapist described it is, when we go through a trauma, normally our brain, let's say, makes a circle, like it finishes the pattern out, but in our trauma like it gets stopped and then you keep getting stuck in that same spot. And so what she kind of explained is the EMDR kind of helps your brain kind of finish out that pathway and it's a way to sort of bring your subconscious more conscious or to your, you know, forward to your consciousness. And it's a lot of visualization. So, like she would kind of put me in a very relaxed state and have me like the first thing I had to do was go to like this very safe spot Like I, you know I just kind of found myself on an island with, like this glass house so I could see everything at all times. You know, like that's gonna be different for everybody and then I had to like get on this little boat and go into a cave and and just kind of go deeper and deeper into, like again try, my subconscious just trying to tell me, like what happened. Or you know what I'm still struggling with and one of the most profound things I have to say is I met a very young version of myself, who was about four, and that kind of brought up some trauma that I think I'd always suspected I had from when I was very little but couldn't remember. So became this like very layered thing where it's like I don't think this is, this is my attack from when I was 20, you know, I was like I think it's like it just got this really deep, deep information out and I will say it's a. It's a really intense process. It took about a year and it kind of feels like your brains are chopped up and thrown all around and you have to sort of put them back together. That's the best way I could describe it, but it's, it's really, really powerful and effective. That being said, I have read that it's still considered kind of controversial and it doesn't have the same effect for everyone, unfortunately, but it was really amazing for me, very, very hard, but um yeah, and let me just say here that, then, nor are medical doctors or anything like that, so this is not medical advice.

Kandidly Kristin: 13:36

Okay, correct, thank you. So listen, I am too a lifelong dancer. I started dance classes probably as soon as I could walk and continue them Even today. I still, I still dance. When I need to process something, I dance, I listen to music and I dance. So how did dance, art and self-expression help you and how can it help others?

Lynn Forney: 14:07

Yeah, I think there's such an incredible power that can come from art, because it's different than our words and sometimes we don't have the words or we can't, you know, either say them or we don't even have the words for it and something about our bodies especially can just move energy in such a unique, special way. And, you know, even if it's like vocalizing right, and you're just, you're vocalizing, maybe not words, but you're just moving sound. It's just something about that and it's so inherent to us as human beings. I feel like and it's so sad to me how arts are just not taken seriously, they're always underfunded, but they're just so incredibly powerful and something that's so unique to us as human beings. And, yeah, I think dance for me, has just always been where I felt like I was at home. I could just express things that I didn't know how, how else to otherwise express, and especially when I was performing, there's just something about the energy exchange that happens. It's just so special and unique and really powerful.

Kandidly Kristin: 15:08

I agree, I agree. What do you do then on the days when you're inner critic and I think her name is Betty, yeah, that's right Is getting the best of you.

Lynn Forney: 15:21

Sometimes I'll try to go to the all the things that I've done, like right the EFT tapping or just trying to tell her to shut up. I don't need her help right now. I think also changing my relationship with her. I did some shadow work and that's how I came to know Betty and realizing that Betty is there ultimately to protect me and I think realizing that gives you know if anyone's considering this type of work. It gives you a different perspective on those shadow parts or the inner critic or whatever it is that you know you're dealing with and you can kind of say like thank you, I know that you're here to protect me, but I have this, I can do this, like I can handle this, and sometimes it kind of helps them sort of sit back down and, you know, shut up for a while.

Kandidly Kristin: 16:03

Right, never forever.

Lynn Forney: 16:06

Right, no, no. And some days I'll admit like I just play video games because I just need to zone out in my head, you know so every day is a little different, but you know, obviously focusing on anything else helps. So like, like you said, just putting on music and dancing, like shifting that energy, vocalizing, just doing 20 jumping jacks, I mean it sounds silly but it really can shift very quickly. And then, on the days where I just can't seem to win, I'm just like you know today I'm just sad, and that's okay. And tomorrow is a different day and I'm going to wake up with a different perspective. Yeah, sometimes it's just binge watching Netflix and that's exactly being okay and also being okay with it Be like you know. It's just what.

Kandidly Kristin: 16:46

I need.

Lynn Forney: 16:47

That's what I need today, and that's okay.

Kandidly Kristin: 16:49

Yeah. So then what does choosing survival look like for you in real time?

Lynn Forney: 16:55

Again, I think it's making the choice to do the healing, do the work. It's also choosing to think about, like, if I have a thought that maybe is more judgmental, let's say, you know, it's kind of like thinking, well, why did I have that thought and where is that coming from and why. It's sort of like being more aware of my own reactions, my own thoughts, because I know that the way I treat people and I speak to people is just going to be a ripple effect. So I think that's one of the ways, I think, knowing you know I struggle with depression still and kind of being more aware of my own you know symptoms, so to speak, when they kind of start to creep up and it's becoming a daily thing. And then I'm like, okay, I'm going to choose to recognize this, I'm going to choose to, you know, change and do some things. And that means going back to a therapist or whatever it is and, I think again, just choosing not to be angry. It sounds simple, but I mean I do have a lot of anger right and I've had to work it out. I mean I one time in I was living in New Orleans I was like I just need to punch, I need to punch some things. So I went and started kickboxing right, it was really starting, so it's like choosing to listen, you know, to not just ignore things, to really like okay, I need to shift, I need to do something and I'm going to choose to do it instead of just sitting and wallowing and sitting in my anger and hating everything and hating life and just being angry, you know, I just, I really do think that's a choice or can be.

Kandidly Kristin: 18:17

Yes, should be. And it's funny you said I just feel like hitting something Because apparently they have these rage rooms now. Yeah, go in and just break stuff.

Lynn Forney: 18:28

That sounds amazing. I know I've heard of that and like, oh, I want to do that.

Kandidly Kristin: 18:34

How many times do we want to just smash something? But you don't want to break your stuff, right?

Lynn Forney: 18:39

Exactly so yeah, something like that, you know it's like oh man, I didn't think of it. I know, I know I need to find one of those two.

Kandidly Kristin: 18:47

Right. So your horizon Lynn. Can we more books? What are some of the other things that you have in a pipeline or that you're doing?

Lynn Forney: 18:58

Yeah, I just I completed a short film that's actually winning some awards. I'm really excited about it. It's a horror, horror, musical comedy called hot sauce. Okay, it's super, it's absurdist. I think it's hilarious. But you know, but I was able to use like acting and dance and I choreographed for it, I sang songs, I wrote this song, I mean I wrote the whole thing and and it's doing pretty well. I'm very excited. But the next, I guess I would say more. I'm not that that that was cathartic too, but I really. There's a poem in my book called the cage and I would love to create a dance on film based on that. So I have this idea of having a big cage built for me and, you know, recording the poem and then, and then my husband can put some music underneath it and creating a film based on that. So I think that's yeah, like that's sort of the next big project I'll say Okay, I love it, I'm looking forward to it.

Kandidly Kristin: 19:50

And where you will find hot sauce. I want to see that.

Lynn Forney: 19:54

I know I can email you a link. Basically, when you're in the film festival circuit, you have to keep it really private, otherwise I'm disqualified. But I've actually, I think, when I'm done with that, maybe the next year or so, put it on YouTube, you know just have it available.

Kandidly Kristin: 20:07

Well, I promise I won't share it, but I Thanks oh my gosh, lynn, thank you. This is Thank you for joining me today, I hope. My hope is always that these conversations give my listeners something that they can Connect with, relate to and hopefully help with something that they're going through. Might not be an attack it's brutal, as yours, but whatever the trauma is, yeah, that's always my hope, so thank you for sharing.

Lynn Forney: 20:39

Oh, thank you for having me again. Oh you're welcome.

Kandidly Kristin: 20:42

We're not done. Now I know how we get to the fun stuff.

Lynn Forney: 20:45

That's right.

Kandidly Kristin: 20:47

We get to play 10 Kandid Questions. Ten Kandid Questions are just 10 random questions and the only rule is that you have to answer them kandidly.

Lynn Forney: 21:01

Okay, you ready? I'm ready.

Kandidly Kristin: 21:03

All right. What's the number one thing you think is missing most in the world? Oh, oh um joy. Hmm, that was easy Introvert, or?

Lynn Forney: 21:17

extrovert. Oh, I think I'm an omnivert.

Kandidly Kristin: 21:20

honestly, I'm a little bit of both, Okay third question who has made the most difference or influence in your life?

Lynn Forney: 21:37

Oh, I mean I have to say my husband for sure. But if we're looking at like professional people, I would say it's one of my college professors. His name is Rick. I talk about him in my book and he passed away from lung cancer and never smoked. By the way, wow, there's my PSA on that very, very healthy man. But I'm he just was such a beautiful influence for me in my life, so I'm just gonna go great.

Kandidly Kristin: 21:59

All right, number four dogs or cats, dogs yeah, I'm a dog person.

Lynn Forney: 22:06

I love cats too, but I definitely so allergic to cats?

Kandidly Kristin: 22:09

I love them too, but dogs, just. There's just something about a dog. We, before you, bought a door when you get home. That's just unmatched. Exactly what has been on your mind recently that you'd like to share with my listeners.

Lynn Forney: 22:26

Wow, that's a hard one, huh, I think, trusting yourself, I've had some. So, my husband, I kind of want to move. We were thinking about moving back to New Orleans. We live in Austin now and I keep going back and forth and waffling and yeah, it's so hard like I feel like I can have this clarity. If you asked me a question or wanted advice, I could very, you know, quickly come up with something for you. But was my own life? I'm like I don't know what about this and what about this. So that's been on my mind a lot of trusting myself and relaxing and like letting I don't know, like getting more into flow. I think there's some really powerful that's powerful advice. That's easier said than done, but yeah, that's been on my mind a lot Surrendering to the flow, I guess.

Kandidly Kristin: 23:10

Surrendering to the flow. I like it All right morning person or night owl.

Lynn Forney: 23:16

Oh, night owl Really.

Kandidly Kristin: 23:18

Mm-hmm. Okay, when have you grown the most in your life and what caused that growth?

Lynn Forney: 23:25

Um, wow, uh, I think the EMDR therapy helped me grow a lot, helped me become a much better communicator, because I thought I was pretty good at it and apparently it was not so good. Um, so I did a, I don't know, I just did a lot of work during that kind of year or two years and I mean it's still ongoing, but I grew a lot then. And then I think I've grown a lot in the last couple of years too, um, writing the book, and I watched a lot of, like you know, workshops and things. So I think, yeah, I think I would say, in the last three years, and then the EMDR section of my life, okay, Right.

Kandidly Kristin: 23:58

Eighth question what is your favorite curse word?

Lynn Forney: 24:02

Am I allowed to say it yes, fuck Mine too. Mine too, mine too, mine too, mine too, mine too.

Kandidly Kristin: 24:13

Mine too, mine too, mine too, yup, yup, yup. Ninth question If you had the attention of the whole world for five minutes, what would you say?

Lynn Forney: 24:23

Oh, my goodness, ah, choose love man Over. I mean, I just feel like so many people are so angry and they hold on to it so much. I just wish I could. I mean, anger is a useful emotion, right, it's definitely there for a reason, but it's this keeping it and the righteousness of it. It's like move through it, like release it and see how we're all so much more similar than we think and that's ultimately. I mean, it sounds so cliche, but it's true.

Kandidly Kristin: 24:54

Yeah, yeah, I like that. And the 10th and final question, which is the same for everybody how can my listeners connect with you and get your book?

Lynn Forney: 25:04

Yeah, you can find my book on Amazon. My goal is to have an audio book out this year. I have it's available in all the other forms. But, yeah, Amazon. I have a website, LynnForniecom. You can also email me choosingsurvival at gmailcom. But, yeah, I would love to know if people pick it up and read it. I would love to know you know their thoughts and and how it connected with them. And that's because that's my hope. So, yeah, Awesome.

Kandidly Kristin: 25:31

Well then, first let me say, in the most sincerest, genuine way I can, that I am glad you survived and that you're thriving and growing. I'm just glad you're still here with us.

Lynn Forney: 25:46

Thank you.

Kandidly Kristin: 25:47

You're welcome and thank you so much for your time, your authenticity, your vulnerability and sharing your story. Thank you for all of it and I hope that when this goes out to the world, people can connect and connect with you and get your book, because I know I sure will. I'm an audio book fan, so please let me know when I know.

Lynn Forney: 26:10

I keep saying that I'm like, okay, I need to get this out and I'm an actor, right, I can't let anyone else do it, I have to do it.

Kandidly Kristin: 26:16

Right, my story, and you've got a great voice for it, so thank you, but yeah, okay.

Lynn Forney: 26:21

Well, thank you for the kick in the pants. I will get on, okay.

Kandidly Kristin: 26:25

You're welcome, all right guys. So Lynn's contact info, her website and links to her book will be in the show notes. And please, please, please, don't forget to visit my little old website at wwwthekandidshopcom. Candid with a K. Listen to an episode, drop me a review, tell me what you like, don't like, share the show with your friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, strangers on the street. Just tell them about the show. And until next time, I want every single person out there to keep it safe, keep it healthy and keep it kandid.

Thank you.