Unraveling Childhood Trauma: Unlocking Healthy Love w/Rihanna Milne

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Hola podcast family  it’s ya gurl Kandidly Kristin and this is The Kandid Shop .Your #1 destination for kandid conversations. If you’re new here welcome!! If you’re a returning listener..welcome back! Today we're going to dive into the really really important topic of how childhood dating and relationship traumas and unconscious emotional triggers impact our adult life and love relationships. Joining me for this important discussion is certified global life and love trauma recovery coach, a certified clinical trauma and addictions professional, a certified mindfulness coach, number one best-selling author of Love Beyond Your Dreams, Break Free from Toxic Relationships to Have the Love You Deserve, and Live Beyond Your Dreams, From Fear and Doubt to Personal Power, Purpose, and Success. and host of the Lessons in Life and Love podcast, licensed mental health counselor, Riana Milne. Welcome, welcome, welcome, Riana, to The Kandid Shop!

RIANA MILNE: Thank you so much for having me. I'm happy to be here.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Thank you. It's really nice to have somebody else on the line whose voice is deep like mine.

RIANA MILNE: Oh, yeah. And I've been doing broadcast since 20 years old from Penn State. I'm a broadcast major, many years ago. Nice.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: So like I told you earlier, that's quite the resume. I was like, oh, this is a lot I'm going to have to say. So you have extensive experience in this topic. And I think it's a really important topic as one who has had some childhood traumas that I've had to address and work through to so I could have better adult relationships. I think it's important. So if you could. It really is, Kristen.

RIANA MILNE: Yeah, it really is. It's essential today. And actually, in the 2021 research has shown 100% of us have some of the top 10 childhood traumas that I'll mention what they are today. And most people don't think they have trauma. They think, ah, you know, my life was pretty normal as a kid, few bumps in the road. But that's not trauma. Well, when you hear what the top 10 traumas are, you'll be able to relate to them, and you'll understand how do they show up in life, love, and business as an adult. It's a pretty interesting topic.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: I can't wait. But how did you land in this niche? Because you mentioned that you were a broadcaster. What led you to life coaching, trauma relationship coaching? How did you land here?

RIANA MILNE: Well, early on, actually, I was 16, my very best childhood friend. Michael was killed by a drunk driver. And I had asked to go to counseling back then. It was kind of known as shameful. And my mother said, no one in this family will ever go to counseling. And I said, well, then I will grow up to become one. So I just decided at that time in my life at age 16, I was going to help other people going through pain and loss and grief and kids who needed to talk to someone and weren't allowed, you know, were shut down. Um, and I had other childhood traumas. I was bullied and I couldn't talk to anyone about it. You know, I had a crush on a guy who ignored me, you know, stuff like that. Stop. Okay. Right. And then, um, I went to Penn state and it happened. I was one year ahead of my roommate and she became my best friend. We were, rooming three years and then I graduated. And then I didn't like her boyfriend. I thought it was very abusive. I did convince her to break up with him, but by the time I left, she got back with him. Long story short, she ends up murdered. So my work as a counselor is always done in dedication to Michael and Corinne, uh, working with people of domestic violence and working with people of addictions. That's how I got started. But actually at age 26, I opened up a model and talent agency in school, um, in both Philadelphia and in Erie, Pennsylvania area. And then up in New York, because I was in the talent business and agency, um, you know, I was in modeling and acting since the age of 12. So it was something that I loved to do and just decided to make a business out of it when I was 26 and had two little girls and could set my own hours around my kids and being able to pick them up from school and so forth. But I always wanted to be the counselor. So finally, by the time they were older, I went back for a triple master's in psychology and started therapy by the sea in southern New Jersey at the age of 40. I saw you have a 609 number. Are you from southern New Jersey?

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: I am.

RIANA MILNE: I'm born and raised in New Jersey, girl. Outside Atlantic City in Ventnor and had practice in Lake Harbor. OK.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: I'm a little north of you in Willingboro, but yeah, I'm a Jersey girl born and bred.

RIANA MILNE: Yeah, know it. So I'm from Philly. And so that's what I did. And then later I developed a niche after I went through two love traumas. And the second one says, I have no idea why I sabotage everything I love. And I then I was a therapist and I said, I have no idea either. And I need to find out to heal for myself. And there was no answers in my triple masters about, you didn't hear the term childhood trauma at the time. I went to Rowan University, but nobody, no therapist had heard of it. And finally, that was coming out, I was doing the research, and in 2012 is when I made the childhood trauma checklist. And that was just from my experience as a therapist working in a lot of rehab centers, working at high schools with kids like Atlantic City High, working in mental health areas, the mental health ward at Atlanta Care Hospital with kids aged five through 19. working with upset, traumatized students from the schools in South Jersey. So from that experience, also women from the prison system, by the way, is when I created my childhood trauma checklist. And then I started speaking on trauma wrote my Love Beyond Your Dreams book, Break Free of Toxic Relationships and Have the Love You Deserve. And it got to 400 pages. I'm like, oh, my gosh, I got to stop. And then I start writing my notebooks to have a program in coaching. And I wanted to go global. And I waited till all my materials were written and then went global in 2017. So that's how my journey went.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Yeah. What a journey. Wow. OK. Jeez, you earn every bit of everything that's on that resume. That's amazing. And it's so important. You mentioned, because one of my questions was, can you give us some specific examples of common childhood traumas that impact us? You mentioned there are like a top 10.

RIANA MILNE: There's a top 10 list. There are more, but I'd be glad to go over them. For our list, nurse, so it's clear, this is not about blaming your parents at this point in our lives. And it's not about feeling ashamed that you have them. Because as children, we're just a product of our environment. So childhood trauma is not our fault. But the cool thing as an adult is we can heal them and get them out of our subconscious and totally change our lives around. And that's the best part. It is very much healable with intensive work because we're healing trauma and making this subconscious conscious and changing behavioral norms. And the second thing from the research is that childhood trauma goes through at least three generations. So if you notice that you have it, your mom and dad had it, and probably your grandparents have trauma. And this been passed down through the lineage as well. So here we go with the top 10. So the first one is, if there's any addiction in the family, so it's more than drugs and alcohol, that's two of 12 that I mentioned. So sex, if you knew your parent was a cheater. porn use, gambling, hoarding, eating, gaming, TV watching, workaholism, and addiction to your machines, phones, computers. You ignore them or you put your kids on machines instead of having real interactions. Okay, so that's the first one. The second one is verbal messaging. What kind of messages were told to you as a kid? Did you hear I love you and I'm proud of you? Or did you never hear I love you and got more put downs like change your clothes? You look fat in that. That's what we call verbal put-down. And did you see your parents work through an issue calmly and with kindness? Or did you see a lot of yelling and screaming between them in the household? So that's verbal messaging. Number three is emotional abuse or neglect. Number four is around abandonment, and I named two types, fault and no-fault abandonment. So a no-fault abandonment would be if a parent happens to die early. They are deployed and fighting for their country in wartime and they're across the seas, you know. And I can tell you, I worked in an elementary school down in Vineland at the time during Iraq and Afghanistan wars. And there was a lot of kids that like diagnosed ADHD. I'm like, they're not ADHD kids. These kids are traumatized worrying if their mom's going to come home from war, you know. seeing these messages on TV every night, you know. So I was a real proponent to explain that when kids are under a traumatic situation, memory and focus go down because cortisol is up, the stress hormone, right? So they're often misdiagnosed. Okay. So, and then ones that is fault abandonment is if a parent is never involved in your life, if they are involved for some, you know, why the couple's together and then they divorce and you barely see your child. And emotional neglect can also be, or abandonment can also be the parents in the house, but they ignore you. They're like addicted to football. That's what they do all weekend. Cause being a therapist, I heard the kids say, I don't want to go to my dad's. All he does is watch football. I must have heard that a hundred times. You know, these kids don't want to go to custody because they're not involved. They're not emotionally attached. Okay. So that's around abandonment. Then the next one is if you were adopted part of the foster care system or had to go live in another household, even if it's a grandma or an aunt or a family friend, it's because your parents couldn't take care of you. And, um, that's around, you know, that issue, or if you were adopted. Okay. So that's number six. Number seven is personal trauma. That's if you remember feeling different in some way. So you could have been the only African-American in all Caucasian school. You've kind of come out LGBTQ plus and your peers or your family didn't accept you. You could have been from any other culture and that was different. You could have been a chubby child and tease for that or skinny and gawky and smart and called the nerd. There's so many ways that kids fit in. Right. You know, I think all of us relate to trauma seven in some way. Yeah. Yeah. So that's seven. Number eight is around siblings. So if you feel like your sibling was the golden child, the favorite one, so the star athlete, more prettier, more handsome, the smarter student, you're always compared. Why can't you be more like your sister? You know, those kinds of things. Then you feel less than, right? I'm never good enough in mom's and dad's eyes. Okay. Then number nine is actually two traumas. I had to bring down trauma 11 because when I made the list trauma 11 was barely used and that was community trauma. And since COVID it's accepted, you know, impacted kids and adults from around the world. That was one of our biggest. areas of trauma in the recent years, and that's when they said 100% of us have experienced this type of trauma. Also in community trauma is our mass shootings, our school shootings, our mother nature events like floods, fires, hurricanes that impact our communities at large, right? And then that also impacts the family, which is the other half of nine family trauma. And there's many listed under here. But if you had a parent that was an incarcerated or you lived in a dangerous neighborhood and felt afraid, or you moved every two to four years or a lot because your parents were in the military or you couldn't afford to stay. So parents kept moving you. So that meant you were the new kid in the school all the time. If you grew up with a lot of lack messages, like we don't have enough money to pay the gas bill, you know, we have no food for next week, you know, those kinds of fears from your parents, like really shake up kids. So there's a lot around family trauma. Those are just a few. And then the last one is mental health issues in mom or dad. Now I'm part of the baby boomer generation. So again, we didn't see our parents go to counseling. Um, so we kind of had a guess. So what, um, the most difficult for kids to navigate is two of them. Borderline personality disorder. And I can describe that briefly as quick trigger anger and very moody. They're good. They're great when they're bad, they're horrid. And the kid never knows what they're going to. Yeah, very hard for a kid to navigate, yep. And then the other one is bipolar, which means manic depressive. So a lot of people say manic, oh, that's a high unhappy one. Well, it could be if you're on a shopping spree and having a great time and then next month when the bills come and you're depressed for like a month because you have no money to pay for this stuff, right? So that's manic-depressive, and depression can show up as anger, emotionally checking out, or extreme fatigue, and then manic is that, you know, hyperactivity stage, you could be able to get a freeze, something like that. Yeah, so those are the top 10 traumas that I identify, that I saw in my populations of all ages, cultures, races, from five to 70. Men, women, so what, straight?

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Listen, so what I heard is 100% of us have had some trauma because people that hear this, hear that list, and they think, huh, that was a trauma, huh? But because there was, I, dinged on like a bunch of them that most people wouldn't think, because people think that the word trauma to most people is something super huge, like big. Yeah, that's right.

RIANA MILNE: And Kristen, that's what we call a big T trauma. You know, the big T trauma, you get in a car wreck and you lose your leg. That's a big T trauma. Yeah. Right. than all these other things that are ongoing and uncomfortable and constantly bullying for three, four years. That's what we call little t trauma, that it messes with our minds and our self-esteem and we're miserable. We don't want to go to school. You know, these fears of feeling good enough. Those are the ones that stay in our subconscious and ruin us and our relationships and in life situations as an adult.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Indeed, and so that's a great segue to my next question for you is, how do the big T and little t traumas influence our psyche, our development, our emotional development, and then in turn impact our adult lives and relationships?

RIANA MILNE: Yeah, well, let me go. There's seven different areas of our lives that the impact of childhood trauma are shown on a map. A lot of people don't think ongoing physical health is from childhood trauma, like sleep disorders, eating disorders, poor immune function like fibromyalgia or Epstein-Barr virus, cardiovascular disease, shorter lifespan, irritable bowel syndrome, so many physical ailments because the stress has been elevated for so high in our bodies. So we always have to deal with the biology of trauma when I'm healing someone as well. And then there's emotional situations like difficulty handling and controlling your emotions when you're upset. Trouble recognizing what are the emotions and where did they come from? And then you have limited coping skills of how to get through a depression or high anxiety that seems to be ongoing. You might have shame and guilt over something. This is common also. Excessive worry and a feeling of hopelessness about life. Definitely lack of self-esteem. feel helpless, feel afraid to do what it is you really desire in life. And mental health, and it's good that I'm a counselor too, because you can't be an advanced clinical trauma professional without being a licensed mental health counselor. So in the mental health category, we have depression, anxiety, negative self-esteem, handling post-traumatic stress disorder, and other, you know, that fear-based negative mindset is always part of their life. And then let's talk about relationships. This is where it really shows up in your love relationships. Now, I have a lot of people, women a lot, that are very successful in business but struggle in love. And they're like, I don't get it. Why do I have my business career is booming and I keep growing up in love? Well, this is the reason. The traumas were never healed, but very often, and especially the females, they find ego gratification at school. The teachers take a liking to them. They decide that I'm going to be smart because if I don't get A's and B's, I'm going to go home and be beats. If I get a C, you know, they learn to be smart and hard. And then they realize that, you know, to get A's feels good to get the accolades from the teacher that's building their self-esteem. And we all need a sense of ego, right? That is very important to be successful in our world. So that's why they are hard workers and successful in the job front. But really, this childhood trauma piece around the emotions and feeling good about yourself and picking an emotionally healthy partner, that was never taught to me. or modeled to them from their parents. So this is what shows up in relationships. If you have a partner that has a lot of jealousy and control issues, that's definitely signs they don't feel good. It usually comes from personal trauma, number seven, and verbal messaging, where a parent was yelling and screaming or saying, you all amount to nothing. Well, guess what? They feel like they're not good enough and they amount to nothing. So, you know, warning to the parents to really watch what you say to your children. You know, they believe what you tell them. So it's really important. But that's where that comes from. Impulsivity is people that make risky choices that destroy the relationships. So the chronic cheaters, they fall in that category impulse. You know, that's an example of the guy. I sees a shiny red sports car, kind of grew up as a kid struggling. He goes, well, I work hard now. I want the car. And he knows in the back of his mind he can't afford it, but he wants it. And he says, we'll figure it out. Doesn't tell the wife. And that's an impulse that's going to ruin the relationship. Right. And trust that woman and her guy. you know, because he's too impulsive. One that a lot of my women do is called people-pleasing. They can't say no. They overdo for others, and that makes them angry, resentful, and exhausted. And they did that because they learn as children, you know, I've got this difficult alcoholic mom. If I don't get the kids up, ready for school, get their lunches together, get them to the bus stop, they're all going to be screamed at. So, They learn if I overdo and I at least get a thanks or not screamed at, then where can I get love? Right. So this is what I hear from the woman. Nobody loves me like I love them. And I'm resentful and angry all the time. because their expectations are too high. And they overdo. Then when you have abandonment issues, as I described, you're going to see codependency, clinginess to your partner. Anxiety when your partner's gone. As a therapist, I hear couples fighting. If the woman doesn't want to have sex with her guy, then he storms around and has a temper. And the next day, if the waitress gives him attention, he's going to try and flirt and have an affair with her or whatever. Because his ego isn't intact. So that's from abandonment issues. Also, there's something called RRS, which is important for our listeners to know. That stands for Relationship Repetition Syndrome. So I call it same person, different face. So you break up with someone because you know, consciously you say, he's no good for me. And I know. So you break up and read 100 self-help books and you start going out and dating again. And lo and behold, you end up with the same kind of person over and over again. And it's half crazy and they don't know what they're doing wrong. And it's because your childhood trauma, quote, chemistry is drawing you to the same type. And that's the worst way to fall. Yeah. Okay. The other way RRS is you break up with the same person, go back, break up, go back. And the research shows that's an average of seven times. because your craving is more, the subconscious is ruling that craving, then your conscious mind can say, that's it, I'm done and move forward and never turn around and look backwards. So this is what I teach, not only trauma healing, but to live with full consciousness and definitely empowerment. I don't teach vulnerability to be a good partner because the definition of that is to be weak and open and prone to attack. So why would I teach vulnerability? You know, I teach empowerment. You're empowered to speak your feelings as you're feeling them. You're empowered to do it in a kind and loving way to reach some kind of understanding change, right? That's how people should talk it through their problems. So there's all kinds of communication skills that they have to learn on top of this. And then you'll see a lot of perfectionism, blaming behavior, blaming everyone else, never apologizing. You'll see imposter syndrome in our recording artists and actors and actresses. So this is just a few ways it comes out. There's a lot more when it comes to relationships.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Wow, wow, wow. That's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. And I think about my own relationships, my friends, my relatives, and you can kind of see it like, huh, okay. And you get a little bit of understanding about where some of this may be coming from. So talk to me a little bit about unconscious emotional triggers, what they are, and more importantly, how they show up in our adult selves, our lives.

RIANA MILNE: Those, those, let me, let me go into business world a little bit. Okay. Because business is a big part of our lives, right? We spend 40 hours plus a week doing some kind of a career working for someone. So how it shows up that way in the work world is people hate their job, but they will never leave it. Or they're constantly fired. I can't hold a job down where they're always arguing with co-workers and they're not liked in the workforce or they lie to get ahead and they have to win. They're super, super competitive, you know, to win the product that is for sales that month. Cutthroating everybody else, or the tyrant boss that yells and treats everyone horribly. The cheaters of Wall Street, you know, there's certainly many stories and movies out when they rip people off. That's where we get to the point of sociopathy. Sociopathy, narcissism, psychopathy all stem from intense childhood traumas. They usually have nine or ten of them and the severity level are at a nine or ten level. though, when it's, again, no child is born a narcissist or a sociopath. A sociopath is using another for pleasure, profit, or lifestyle advancement, and they will never apologize. So listeners, if you're ever with someone who is always trying to change you and belittle you and blame you and put you down, and you may be a successful woman in business and you're dating down, that means you're dating a guy, he may be good looking and charming, but he's not barely earning any money, then he's using you for lifestyle advancement, okay? You know, the sad thing is these people are master manipulators and they go after people who are kind-hearted, faith-based, teachers, therapists, people who are kind, loving, understanding. You know, because they'll give them multiple chances. They'll believe their BS. Oh, you know, that happened this time. It won't happen next time. Or you can see I'll change and they change for two weeks and then they go back, you know. Right. And that's where this toxic RRS cycle comes from. But it's usually the 90-day rule. And this is anybody that asks you to be married very quickly, do not take it as a compliment. Take it as a red flag that they are trying to nail you down and marry you because they know that they're playing a game right now and trying to manipulate you into a commitment because they would benefit.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: So there's so much to learn.

RIANA MILNE: Yeah, Kristin, there's so much to learn in this. So when I work with my clients, 50% of it is identifying and healing their particular childhood trauma. So I work with everyone one-on-one, healing it, recognizing it, teaching them the mindset for success tools to change the thought process of the mind, which then also helps heal the body, all the holistic mind, body, spirit that they have to learn. to feel better about themselves, get their goals that they really wanna do out there on paper and make a real roadmap of how to change their lives. And then the second part is, okay, either now you're dating or rebuilding your marriage or your relationship. So that's part two. And dating, there's all kinds of rules on that. That's the psychology of dating. Yeah, I mean, I could talk all day. People think they know how to date and they don't. Dating profiles, people are like, I never meet anyone online. I look at their profile, I'm like, well, I see why. I see why you're attracting the kind of guys that you are. The profile is absolutely wrong. And most, I would say 99% are not written properly. And the pictures are horrible. And the pictures are so hard. It puts real sexy pictures on there to attract guys. Yeah, you'll attract them for sex, but not for marriage.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: What do you want? Right, right. You gotta be clear on what you want. Oh my gosh. So how can somebody that's listening to this, they tune in and they're like, huh, I think that I may have some things I need to work on. How do they identify? their triggers, their traumas. How can just an average Joe without seeking therapy at that point, like when they're just sitting back and trying to decide what they want to do, but they know there's an issue, but they aren't quite sure what it is?

RIANA MILNE: Well, the first thing they should do is go to my website. It's RianaMilne.com, which is my name. And on there, there's four free love tests. So if they think they're in a toxic relationship, do the red flag checklist. You will know for certain if you're in a toxic relationship. There is a test for the 10 childhood traumas, if you have them. Then I have one for singles. Are you really ready to date? And that's a one to 10. is. And then there's the ACOA checklist, which is seeing, you know, what childhood traumas are still existing in your life today. And then there's the free ebook on my homepage, How to Have the Love You Deserve. That one will go deeper into what I covered today. My podcast is Lessons in Life and Love with Coach Riana Milne. I have over 120 shows out and over 350 audios and videos on my YouTube channel, which is my name also, Riana Milne. you Um, so that's a great place to start for a lot of free content. If you want to meet with me and identify what's going on in your life, I do have a super special on the homepage of my website. Um, just sign up and you will be meeting with me. No junior coach. And I give you two hours of time and it's like a nine 97 value, but I give you two hours of time that we really dive deep to identify what are your traumas and how they're showing up for you and then put together a roadmap for your healing.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Okay, so Riana, what, in your opinion, does an emotionally healthy, evolved, and consciously aware relationship look like in real life?

RIANA MILNE: Yeah, I'll be glad to tell you guys. This is actually from my page 294 in Love Beyond Your Dreams, and this is just one page of 400. There's a solid research in that book. Everybody loves it. It's part of my curriculum too. Um, so the, the, I'm going to tell you the five F's first. So the first one is foundation. You must have a solid foundation of trust and confidence in who you are. Like you really love who you are. You feel great about yourself. So who you are individually. And then when you meet someone, you have to have shared moral values. So that's foundation. The next one is flexibility. You're open minded to having, you know, different opinions. It's OK. They're entitled to theirs, they're entitled to yours. So that you're caring, you're easygoing, you're understanding, you're emotionally open. That allows for loving conversations that you can get through issues. The third one is fidelity. You live a life of honesty, loyalty, and integrity. And integrity means doing the right things when nobody's looking. So you're both living a life of fidelity. The fourth one is friendship. This person should be your best friend, your buddy. You have a great time. You're laughing a lot. You can talk about anything. You're never afraid to share your opinion or your feelings. That's why I said that's empowered communication. You're reliable. You're kind. And think of your best friend. You barely get mad at your best friend. If you do, you make up right away and you leave it in the past. So that's why friendship is one of the most important. And yeah, the fifth F is fun. That's common interests, hobbies, shared activities. You have a great time together. Okay. Some of the other ones are intimacy and that's daily love, holding hands, hugging, kissing, hello, goodbye, speaking kindly, saying thank you a lot, you know, showing your partner. loving attention on a daily basis. And, you know, you each try to create romance in your life. And then compromise is important. You're able to negotiate differences in your life, talk through issues, apologize quickly and easily and offer forgiveness. You're not standing there yelling and blaming each other and bringing up the past and blaming again. That's like so toxic. Okay, balanced individuality. You both are living a very healthy life. You have good boundaries, you have great self-esteem, living a life of purpose, usually in your career or volunteerism. So you have good happiness there. You know, It's funny when people say, you don't make me happy. Well, guess what? You're supposed to make your own self happy. No one is to make you happy. It's your job, right? So happiness and love is an inside job. When you are that, you can attract many suitors and partners. So that's really important. And believe it or not, the top quality that two people need to have a long lasting testing loving relationship is spirituality. And that's a belief in faith in something greater than yourselves. And it provides guidance and it demands accountability in who you are. So what we call it is a partner that you're looking for is consciously aware. So they think before they do speak or act emotionally healthy and evolved, meaning their highest and their best selves. So that's the type of partnership you're going for.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Okay. I like it. I like it a lot. And good stuff. It really is.

RIANA MILNE: But it's easier. Right? It's easier when you feel that way yourself and you know what to look for. And when you know the art and psychology of dating successfully, it's so much easier because you just don't waste time on people who are not the right people. You know the questions to ask, who's a good person and who's a bad person for you and why. That's right.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: And overcoming your traumas. is important in that evolution. You have to work on yourself, whatever's going on with you, before you want to step out and be trying to date. Because even if this is a good person in front of you, your trauma is going to skew all of that. Because you're looking at them through the lens of your problem.

RIANA MILNE: Yes. The negative mindset is when I hear a ton of women say, there's no good guys out there. Yes, there is. The world is abundant. But you get what you believe. If you believe there's no one there, guess what? That's what you receive. So your whole mindset has to change to more positivity and self-love. Joy in life, you know, joy is energy that exudes from you. This is what we call sharing your light or your inner light. And that is very sexy and attractive to the opposite sex, you know.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Absolutely. So Riana, as this, you know, trauma was an unspoken thing in psychology and counseling for a long time. But now that we are understanding more about that intersection of trauma, childhood traumas and adult relationships, what do you see the future for that field looking like for you, for counselors and mental health professionals?

RIANA MILNE: Yeah, what I've been saying is very concerning for me that there are people with no mental health training handling this mental health issue. Childhood trauma is a mental health issue and our people are traumatized. And it takes someone who's very, very skilled in psychotherapy and then goes on for the advanced credential of CCTP, certified clinical trauma professional. And level two is my level, which is advanced. So if you are looking for a trauma healing person, it's don't base it on cost, base it on experience and ability to really help you to heal and change your life. These skills you'll use the rest of your life. And when you choose someone who's licensed and credentialed, such as myself, it's a complete tax deduction. So whatever you are investing and helping yourself and so many people have gotten raises and promotions and went for their dream job and I help them with that. So, you know, we look at every life area and improve it. It make you feel fantastic. And our life in this world is short. That's one thing I learned from losing Michael and Corinne, right? How much time do I have, and what can I do to be happy and bring purpose to my world and in my life and in their memory? And that's why I love what I do. I'm really passionate about it. My success level is with thousands of people over many years. I've been teaching mindset since age 22, you know, because I've learned this from masters of studying and deep reading and research. And, you know, and then I have advanced trauma skills. So I just would like to see that, you know, people who become just more educated on the fact that there is a difference working with a professional in trauma versus an unlicensed, uncertified person.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Absolutely. That's important, people. And it's tax deductible. I didn't know that. So that's an important piece of information for those who, you know, finances are an issue. It is a write-off when you take care of yourself.

RIANA MILNE: But the neat thing is, I have something at every price point. You know, so it just depends, you know, the severity of the trauma, what you want from it. Some people want business coaching. Some are really suffering with their kids, like the kids are angry at them because the marriage was so toxic for so long. And then they blame the mom or, you know, you didn't get us out of this and they hate mom. So it's like now I am treating the children through the mother and her education. Sometimes I have the kids come on. So, you know, it's a very deep topic. And again, our goal is to stop it going through the generations. Once you have the knowledge, it stops with you. That's the beautiful thing. You know, you can change yourself. Now you can help your children heal. So, you know, what price do you put on that level of, you know, happiness and health for you and your family? You know, it's worth everything.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: And for generations of your family, you can stop a cycle.

RIANA MILNE: Absolutely. Yeah. There's some people that spend $3,000 on a purse. Do you really need the purse or do you need to feel fantastic about it? Come on, let's be real. The money's there. It's what you choose for your life, right? And your kids' emotional health, you know? I mean, my daughters grew up with this, Alexi and Stefana, and Alexi was putting water wells in Tanzania, Africa, since the age of 20. Now there's 31 working water wells. She grew up believing she can do whatever she dreams in her life. She said at 15, mom, I want to be as pop singer. That was during the days of Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. And within two years, she's singing and on world tour and goes through Africa and remembered her childhood dream. And I said, hon, that's a beautiful dream to help children and families of the world hold on to that. You can be whoever you want. You know, so this is, and now she's a multimillionaire and a life coach, lives in a gorgeous home with her coach husband. And my other daughter is fighting for American rights, you know, fighting the book bans and keeping black history and keeping rights for LGBTQ to read the books that they would like. So she's been addressing Congress. So, you know, how do you raise kids that have the self-esteem to go what they feel is important and right, and maybe not popular, or why would you want to do that, you know? And the ability and the strength to move forward and go for their dreams. Well, you, the parent, can teach them these things, you see? So, And there was a toxic marriage there. But as long as you're continuing to teach these characters, and I love that we're recording on Dr. King's day, because I used to teach his lessons in my character ed schools, right? And wrote a letter to my grandsons today about the importance of character. And I said, no matter what else you have in life, character is the most important. So who is teaching us the lessons? Our elders, our parents. Right. And when the teachers have freedom of speech, our teachers, you know, so. Yes. Yeah. We're we're a family based on character and fighting for our rights and helping others. That's what we do. Yeah.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: So in closing, we're not completely done, but we're almost done with the formal part of the interview. What is your last best piece of advice for my listeners, anybody that hears this who may be struggling with, you know, aftermath of childhood or relationship trauma? And we didn't really talk a lot about relationship trauma, but What's your best piece of advice for them in terms of first steps? And I know you mentioned some free things on your site that might be helpful.

RIANA MILNE: Yeah, I would go for the free items at RianaMilne.com, the free ebook, the four free love tests. Oh, and under the book section, the first 60 pages of Live and Love Beyond Your Dreams. That would be helpful, I believe. And one little lesson I can teach them is about the power of the eight D's. My father taught me this lesson when I was very young. And he said, hon, if you have the eight D's, you can do anything in life. So that's desire, dedication, decide what you want. Determination, don't let anyone tell you you can't. Dedication to doing the process. Devotion is the spiritual faith-based belief and your belief in your higher power. Dream, dare to dream and dream big drive. When it gets tough, you don't give up and discipline to keep yourself going every day. You know, when you're an entrepreneur, there's no one saying you've got to wake up now and go to work. You've got the eight T's that are powerfully driving you in that direction. Right. And that's what we entrepreneurs do. We have a passion for what we do. And the other little motto I'd like to say are two things. My quote is, you can't change what you don't know or understand. So when people in these toxic relationships over and over, and I was one, it's like, I don't get it. What's the matter with me? I don't know what I don't know. So I knew I couldn't change what I didn't know or understand. And that's what took me into the psychological libraries to get this information for myself and my clients. And number two, always know that at any time you can create the life you desire and have the love that you deserve. And I'm here to help.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Nice. Oh, thank you so much. This could have lasted so much longer. I might have to bring you back for more because we didn't even really touch a bunch of things. So. Sure. Thank you. I'm happy to help. You're welcome. My listeners already know. I can feel it, but we're not done. Not quite yet. Okay. We still have to do the fun, fun stuff. So now we get to play 10 Kandidquestions. So 10 super random questions that I picked from this crazy list on the internet, and some of them are pretty good. So you're ready. Yep. First question, sunrise or sunset?

RIANA MILNE: Sunsets. Key West is my favorite.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Oh, yes. Question number two, if you had a magic wand for one day, what one problem in the world would you fix? Childhood and love trauma. Nice. Question number three, mountains or beaches?

RIANA MILNE: Oh, beaches. That's why I live in Florida now. Yes.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Love it here. Yeah, I'm a water baby too, so that's my answer. Number four, what's one thing you believe absolutely everyone should experience at least once?

RIANA MILNE: Falling in love with an emotionally healthy, evolved, and conscious partner.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Nice. Great answers. Number five, handshakes or hugs?

RIANA MILNE: Oh, I'm a hugger.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Okay. Yeah. Number six, if you could write a message on a billboard that everyone would see, what would it say?

RIANA MILNE: Probably my slogan, it's time to create the life you desire and have the love you deserve.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Nice. Did you get my questions in advance because you answered them? No. No. Number seven, reading a physical book or listening to an audio book?

RIANA MILNE: I love physical books and I'm an underliner with a yellow highlighter. Yeah, me too. I remember and I go back to my books and the most important things are already highlighted. So every one of my books and I have a huge library in my home of yellow lines on them. Yeah.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Yeah. Oh, same. Number eight, if you wrote a children's book, what would be the central message and life lesson that you'd want to impart?

RIANA MILNE: Very similar to the letter I wrote my grandsons today about how character is the most important skill that you can have. Nice.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: I like it. All right. Number nine, singing in the shower or blasting music in the car.

RIANA MILNE: Blasting in the car.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Yes. Yeah.

RIANA MILNE: I'm a dancer. I'm a disco queen, baby.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Oh, yes. All right, 10th and final question, which is the 10th question is the same for everybody. How can my listeners connect with you, get your books, and some of those yummy free gifts?

RIANA MILNE: Yep, RianaMilne.com. R-I-A-N-A-M-I-L-N-E.com. Again, so many things free on my website. And then my podcast, again, is called Lessons in Life and Love with Coach Riana Milne. And I'm on every podcast platform. But I suggest you go to my YouTube channel because you're going to see things that aren't, you're going to see all the podcasts, videos and audios. So however you like to listen or watch. plus more tapes that weren't released as podcasts.

KANDIDLY KRISTIN: Okay, good. Thank you. Thank you so much. And listen, guys, even if you didn't write it down, all of Riana's contact info, her podcast link, website links will be in the show notes. So if you didn't write it down, they'll be there when the episode airs. And I'd like you not to forget to visit my website at www.thekandidshop.com. That's candid with a K. Listen to an episode or five, drop me a review, share the show with your friends. Please and thank you. And until we meet again, I want everyone to keep it safe, keep it healthy, and keep it kandid.